Surviving the Lonely Holidays: Do’s & Don’ts for Lifting the Holiday Sadness
You know the moment: you’re walking or driving past a house that looks like the North Pole’s Airbnb - lights everywhere, cars crammed in the driveway like a high-stakes Tetris game, warm windows glowing gold. You sneak a quick peek (as one does), and inside you see families hugging, clinking glasses, laughing, passing platters of food that only exist during this sacred season. And suddenly it hits you…
You’re lonely.
You miss home.
You miss your people, your traditions, your chaos, and dare I say, your favorite dose of holiday cheer with dysfunction?
Trust me, I know that feeling too well.
During the early years of my marriage, I had tiny babies, Bob was buried in his doctorate program, and we were living in Canada, which felt like a foreign country when you grew up in sunny California and thought a hoodie counted as “winter gear.”
I spent holidays running on zero sleep, covered in spit-up and mystery stains, pulling together humble little Christmas meals while my hardworking husband studied nonstop. One year I even spent Christmas in the hospital with pregnancy complications, and no family anywhere close to rescue me.
Being away from family during the holidays is really hard.
Even the relatives you once swore you didn’t care to see suddenly become cherished angels in your memory.
Distance has a funny way of softening everyone’s edges.
And no matter your situation, single, a couple without kids, or parents raising little ones - being far from your people can stir up the quiet sadness Fascinating Womanhood calls “the downstairs.” Those emotional dips sneak up when you least expect them. (We’ll get into the why in a minute.)
Get familiar with my downstairs concept in this video.
Here’s the good news!
You can still create a holiday that’s beautiful, meaningful, and yes, joyful. Not the same as before, maybe, but wonderful in its own way. And sometimes “different” ends up becoming your favorite thing.
Over the years, I’ve learned not only how to survive lonely holidays, but how to truly enjoy them, and how to lift that heavy holiday sadness that makes you feel like you’re losing a seasonal emotional boxing match.
So here it is: my Do’s and Don’ts Guide to transforming the lonely holidays into genuinely happy ones.
DO: Acknowledge the Sadness
Light a candle and give yourself a moment to let the sadness wash over you intentionally, just long enough to name it and recognize what your heart is trying to tell you.
Take a few minutes to journal your frustrations, your favorite memories, or simply the parts of the holiday you wish you were experiencing; getting it onto paper gives the feeling somewhere to go.
Call a family member and tell them you miss them, even if it’s just a quick “thinking of you,” because hearing a familiar voice can soften the heaviness.
Make a warm drink and sit quietly with the emotion like it’s an old friend dropping by for a brief visit, not a permanent houseguest.
DON’T: Stuff It in a Tinsel-Covered Box
Don’t: Pretend you’re completely fine just because you managed to bake star-shaped cookies or wrap a few gifts; ignoring sadness only makes it louder.
Don’t: Shame yourself for wishing you were surrounded by loud relatives arguing over politics, because missing imperfect people is still love.
Don’t: Reach for food to numb the feeling like you’re patching a leaking pipe with a holiday cookie; it only delays the emotion.
Don’t: Let yourself dwell in it all day long; give yourself a clear emotional window to feel, and then gently step into the next part of your day.
DO: Build Your Own Traditions
Create small rituals that make the day feel special, whether it’s a Christmas Eve movie marathon, a yearly holiday playlist, or a cozy evening that’s just for you and whoever’s under your roof.
Push yourself to try something new, a baking project, a community event, a volunteer opportunity - anything that helps you break out of the “same old routine” and puts fresh energy into the holiday.
Start a tradition that warms your heart, even if you’re doing it alone at first; little traditions are how nostalgia is born.
Make or buy something festive just for yourself or bake treats to surprise someone else, because giving joy has a way of bouncing back to you.
Let your inner child come out and play by dancing in the kitchen, rewatching an old cartoon, or making cocoa with giant marshmallows that feel slightly ridiculous and completely necessary.
DON’T: Wait for Family to Make the Magic
Don’t: Compare your efforts to the way your mom or grandmother did holidays, because even they didn’t start out perfect, they learned as they went.
Don’t: Decide the holiday “doesn’t count” just because your living room isn’t full of people.
Don’t: Wait around for someone else to create the nostalgia or take the lead; this is your magic to make now.
Don’t: Slip into the role of the neighborhood Scrooge, sighing dramatically or telling yourself it’s pointless to decorate.
Don’t: Turn down invitations simply because the people aren’t your usual crowd; you might connect more than you expect.
DO: Embrace Your Circle - Whoever That Is
Celebrate the home you’ve built by lighting all your candles, cooking something you love, and buying yourself the gift you secretly hope someone else would guess, because treating yourself is part of being your best feminine self.
Enjoy the peaceful holiday era you’re in by sleeping in, (for those without kids) watching movies kids can’t watch, taking long quiet walks, and savoring a holiday without sibling fights, toy meltdowns, or a floor covered in wrapping paper and Legos.
Lean into the fact that your kids don’t need a big crowd to feel magic; they need you, some cookies, and a slightly dramatic reading of The Night Before Christmas to make the entire season sparkle!
Don’t:
Don’t: Diminish your holiday because it doesn’t look like a Hallmark movie; family is measured by warmth and intention, not by headcount!
DO: Go out of your comfort zone!
Host a simple dessert night or holiday snack gathering for neighbors, even if you barely know them; connection often grows from small, brave invitations.
Start or join a Secret Santa or holiday swap with friends or acquaintances, because people love to be included and holiday circles can form quickly.
Take your kids (or yourself!) to local holiday events so you experience something festive without the pressure of cooking, cleaning, or entertaining at home.
Set up a FaceTime call with family, even if Grandma films her forehead - and make it fun by asking everyone to wear ugly sweaters or share a favorite holiday memory.
DON’T Hibernate Like a Holiday Bear
Don’t: Scroll through social media comparing yourself to people in matching pajamas while silently feeling miserable.
Don’t: Tell yourself no one wants to be invited when you haven’t even tried.
Don’t: Assume others are “busy and uninterested”; most people crave connection more than they admit this time of year.
DO: Stay Anchored in Femininity & Emotional Strength
Add gentle touches of beauty to your environment, whether it’s twinkle lights, a sprig of mistletoe, or a cozy table display that lifts your spirits the moment you walk by.
Practice gratitude by naming the specific blessings you do have, because gratitude and sadness can’t sit in the same chair at the same time.
Share your feelings tenderly with your husband if you’re married, allowing him to comfort and support you instead of brushing him off with “I’m fine.”
Accept kindness when it’s offered from your husband or others; don’t dismiss it out of habit.
DON’T Let Discouragement Steal Your Glow
Don’t: Sink into self-pity, which never ends with clarity or comfort.
Don’t: Try to stage the Perfect Holiday like it’s a performance; this isn’t a showcase - it’s a season!
Don’t: Assume your sadness means something is wrong with you; it simply means you’re human and tender-hearted.
DO: Treat Yourself
Make yourself a special meal, even a simple one, because honoring the day honors your spirit too.
Set a festive table in the same spirit Kevin had in Home Alone, where even a humble dinner becomes meaningful with candles and intention.
Wear something that makes you feel pretty or cared for, even if it’s soft, pretty pajamas, because how you present yourself changes how you feel.
Use your nice dishes and pour sparkling cider into a real glass, reminding yourself that you’re worth the extra effort.
DON’T Make It “Just Another Day”
Don’t: Give up and eat leftover chicken nuggets out of habit or sadness.
Don’t: Believe the day only matters if extended family is involved.
DO: Celebrate the Freedom
Enjoy the quiet beauty of a holiday without pressure, drama, chaos, or long to-do lists, a holiday you can shape entirely according to your mood, your desires, and your pace!
DON’T Forget the Hidden Gift
Don’t: Overlook the hidden blessing of a peaceful, calm season simply because it looks different than the one you grew up with.
Being far from family during the holidays can definitely bring out the homesick, nostalgic, “why am I crying at a holiday Pillsbury Dough commercial?” side of us. Chapter 9 in my book calls those the “downstairs” feelings - you know, the emotional basement where we store everything from homesickness to the urge to call our mom for no reason.
Whether you’re single and rocking your own traditions, a couple enjoying the rare silence of a kid-free holiday, or in the trenches with little ones who think 4 a.m. is an appropriate time to wake you up because “IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!” - you truly can create a holiday you’ll treasure. Not because it’s perfect, but because it’s yours. And sometimes the quiet, simple holidays end up becoming the ones you remember most.
Beautiful things can grow in calm, cozy places… even if one of those places is your couch with a mug of cocoa and a movie you’ve already seen 43 times.
If this made your day a little brighter, consider sending it to another woman who might need a little holiday cheer - or drop your funniest “unexpected holiday tradition” in the comments!
