Catty, Snarky, or Just Insecure? Why Women Sometimes Tear Each Other Down—and How to Rise Above It!
“At the root of most rudeness is a lack of understanding—of self and of others.”
- Dixie Andelin Forsyth
I was asked recently how to navigate interactions with rude women. The examples given were familiar ones: “She talks over me, monopolizes the conversation, and throws out snarky remarks whenever I share an opinion.”
Sound familiar? I hear questions like this constantly. In fact, women being rude to other women is almost as common a topic as women joking about their husbands being thoughtless or lazy. Both stereotypes are recognizable—but do they really explain what’s going on? Are women just naturally catty? Or is society simply becoming ruder?
At Fascinating Womanhood, we believe the answer is no. Something deeper is happening.
Before you keep reading, here is a video we made on this topic!
Why Do Women Act This Way?
Now, I’m not saying there aren’t truly unpleasant women out there—of course there are. But in most cases, what you’re experiencing probably comes down to three root causes: insecurity, anxiety, and old habits learned in childhood.
1. The Insecure Woman
Why would insecurity make someone mean? Think of the woman who desperately craves approval. She wants to feel noticed and admired, and she feels compelled to prove herself constantly. If she doesn’t get that validation, she begins comparing herself to others—and jealousy sets in.
Insecurity often fuels overcompensation. The insecure woman may dominate conversations, dismiss your opinions, or subtly put you down—all in a misguided attempt to protect herself from feeling “less than.”
2. The Anxious Woman
You might wonder, “Why would an anxious woman be rude? Isn’t she just stressed out?” Yes, but her overthinking can easily spill into rudeness.
She worries: “Why did she look at me like that? Does she think I look bad? Did I say something wrong?” This constant inner dialogue leaves her irritable and defensive. When insecurity and anxiety combine (a very common pairing), the result can be a stormy personality that lashes out at others unintentionally.
3. The Woman Shaped by Upbringing
Sometimes rudeness is simply learned. A Psychology Today article put it well:
“Women who are mean-spirited about other women were often raised by a mother who probably didn’t like herself and didn’t feel warmly about women in general, either.”
That resonated with me. In over 60 years of Fascinating Womanhood, we’ve seen how deeply character habits—good or bad—are passed from mother to daughter. A woman raised in an environment of bitterness, criticism, or anger often repeats what she saw, even if she doesn’t consciously mean to. Some women rise above those patterns, but others stay stuck in them.
How to Handle Rude Women in Your Life
Step 1: Look Beneath the Surface
Try to identify what’s really driving her rudeness. Is it insecurity? Is it anxiety? Is it an old habit she’s never challenged? Understanding her motive gives you insight into how to respond.
For example, I once had a woman insult my baking—she even spat out something I had made, right in front of me. I was crushed! But later, when she criticized another recipe, I stopped to consider why. Instead of reacting, I asked her about her love of cooking. She opened up about how cooking had been her special bond with her late mother, who she described as the best cook in the world. Suddenly, her harshness made sense: she wasn’t attacking me, she was struggling with her own feelings of inadequacy and grief.
By shifting my focus, complimenting her when it felt genuine, and encouraging her passion for cooking, our relationship improved dramatically. The snarky remarks stopped almost overnight.
Step 2: Set Healthy Boundaries
Understanding doesn’t mean being a doormat. If someone repeatedly crosses the line, it’s perfectly appropriate to say something like, “I don’t appreciate your tone with me,” or “If you keep speaking to me this way, I’m going to step away.” Clear, calm boundaries are healthy and often necessary.
But here’s the truth: boundary-setting alone is rarely enough. People change when they feel truly understood.
The Deeper Lesson
At the root of most rudeness is a lack of understanding—of self and of others. When we pause to consider why a woman is acting the way she is, we often find insecurity, anxiety, or old wounds hiding beneath the surface. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it gives us the tools to respond with both strength and compassion.
Want to Go Deeper?
For over 60 years, Fascinating Womanhood has helped women build character, heal relationships, and navigate difficult personalities with grace and confidence. If you’d like to learn more practical tools for handling challenges like these—and for cultivating more harmony in every relationship—my book is the perfect next step.
Fascinating Womanhood will give you a deeper roadmap to understanding people, strengthening yourself, and creating happier relationships.
